Dear Dean
by mao-meow
Summary: *Warning* Contains spoilers up to the conclusion of the Season 8 finale. A letter from Cas to Dean explaining his feelings post-fall.


Dear Dean,

I'll cut right to the chase- I am sorry. I have failed you yet again, even after you asked me not to go through with my plan. I should learn to listen to you, but now I think it might be too late. I have watched my brothers and sisters fall from the dark sky in flaming trails of red and orange, dispelled from Heaven due to my hasty, irrational decisions. I was selfish. I should have listened to you, Dean. My grace was stolen, and now I am human along with the rest of my kind. In other words, I am useless. I am a failure. I have let you and my family down.

It's been about a week since the fall, a week since I have last seen you. I never could have imagined how difficult it would be living without my abilities. I wish that I could teleport to you right now, but I am afraid I am stuck here in this strange little town. The first few days of me being human, I simply wandered, sleeping wherever I could find shelter. Eventually I wound up here and was able to get a motel room with the little money I had in my pocket. Unfortunately, this will be my last night here. My next move will be getting a job, though of what sort, I do not know. I am not good at much... that is obvious. But I will get by somehow. I will find a way back to you, no matter what it takes.

We have to take care of Metatron. His actions have been cruel and unforgivable. He has betrayed his own family, his own brothers and sisters. He stole my trust and used me as a weapon. Though it would be nice to put all of the blame on him... I know deep down that this is mostly my fault. I am the one who does not deserve forgiveness. Time after time, I have brought harm to the ones I care for. Why is it so hard to tell what is right and what is wrong? Why am I doomed to always choose the latter? I am cursed.

When I find you, or you find me, we need to have a talk. There are things I must say to you, things that have been heavy on my mind for a long time. Now that I have a full range of human emotions, I know the full extent of my feelings and yours. I understand now why you treated me harshly in the past. I have become familiar with such anger and sadness and the pain of loss. But there is more that I have learned. Dean... I am beginning to wonder what you think of me now. What sorts of feelings do you have towards me? I can only imagine that right now you are feeling angry and disappointed, but what about before I left you for the last time, those few hours that we spent before I went and screwed it all up?

Others have said that meeting you is what gave me my curse, that you are the cause of all my downfalls. They might be right, but at the same time, I do not care. Meeting you was the highlight of my existence. Before I rescued you from Hell, I was a mindless puppet, even more so than I originally thought. You liberated me, taught me how to walk on my own. You taught me to fight for what I believed in and to go after what I want. Dean, there is nothing I want more than to make you happy, to free you of the crushing weight that is on your shoulders. I want to be able to stay by your side, unbound by destiny or other pointless causes. I told you before; I'd rather be with you.

Please, let us find each other soon, and may our reunion be a pleasant one. I do not expect you to forgive me, but I hope you accept me back into your family. Dean, I need you too. That leads me to one of my final points. I am sorry for leaving you, for abandoning you over and over again. Even after you told me how much you needed me, I left you all alone because I believed it was the right thing to do. I was wrong. Hurting you is never the right thing. Nor is it something I can bear. I would rather see your bright smile than feel the bluntness of your contempt. I long for that warm embrace of yours. I miss the way you used to look at me, with that deep stare and wide eyes. I miss driving in the Impala with you. I miss you, Dean. I miss everything about you. I need you back in my life, for without you, all I have is self-hate and the overwhelming pain of my mistakes.

Dean... I love you. I know now for sure that I do. I love you, and I have for a long time. It kills me knowing that you may never get to know or hear me say it. You surely won't if I never find you for this letter has no way of getting to you. My mind is coming up with ideas of how you might react to this information... Do you love me, too, Dean?

Sleep is such a new concept to me, and I do not like it at all. The shadow-like feeling of fatigue has set over me, and now I must let my body and mind rest. I dream now, Dean. I see you a lot when I sleep. Granted, the situations are mostly perilous and bloody, but none the less, I'm with you. I cannot think of how to wrap this up, but I will try my best. I am sorry for everything, and I know I deserve nothing but the worst, but I need you, miss you, and I love you. Find me, Dean.

-Castiel (Cas)


End file.
